Thursday, March 19, 2015

Happy 10th Birthday, MiMi..

March 10th, 2015
Ten years ago, I was 22.  I was recovering from what I still say was the worst physical pain of my life.  I am ashamed to admit that after a failed 23 hour labor that ended in a c section, I was so out of it emotionally and physically that I couldn't be the mom I wanted to be.  I barely saw my first child that day.

   When I saw her for the first time (which would be hours later)  I was so in love, but so very tired.   The nurses kept her away  much of the night and I just wanted to go home.  The first few sleepless nights were unlike anything I had ever experienced.   How did I go from so much energy and working two full time jobs to suddenly being a stay at home mom with a newborn who was without a doubt the hardest new "job" to me?  When I told my family I was okay - I lied - I was in tears daily.  I was more in love than ever before and I would kill for my baby, but  I was just so alone and exhausted.  

 Things did eventually get easier.  Did I say that? They don't get easier, you just learn to let go a little and it's a new kind of challenge.  I sit here an can't believe it's been ten years and suddenly I yearn to hold that baby again.   I ache to tell the old me it will be okay - "Stop worrying mama.  It will be okay - you'll see".

   We get so worried as new parents that we miss the joy in things.  Is this perhaps me in the next ten years telling my current self, I'll be okay?  Maybe.  One things for certain - I am glad at 21, that I made the decision to keep the best thing that's ever happened to me.  And by that last line, you may take that as you're probably thinking, and maybe at a later date, when my children are older, I will elaborate more without fear of them stumbling upon my blog.  But just know this:  God is good. God was with me, and God made sure I made the right decision.  I love you MiMi, I am so blessed to be your mother!

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