So much on my mind

I think sometimes I have so much on my mind that I often feel like the messy person.

Figuratively speaking, the messy person doesn't know which corner to start cleaning and so the problems just stack like an old playing card tower ready to crumble at the slightest motion.

Me? I am a bit of a nut job. Self admitted nut job. My mind is all over the place and never settles. I have an unstable emotional outlook and I can never decide what it is I really want.

I see the good in people and then I pick them apart and analyze what their true motives in wanting to know me are.

Because, simply put, my self esteem has become so low that I can't phatom why anyone would want to be around me, and so I find reasons to close myself off to others. Generally I am always with my children and never get a kid free moment, so that in itself is the truth. Other times I look at myself and hate myself and don't want to do anything at all that day but be with my kids.

I couldn't really tell you when all of this started. I guess in a way it's always been a part of my mentality and that sucks. I hate with a passion being bi polar. One day, one minute, one second, one hour, one week, I can have the best self image and outlook in the entire universe. I want to do everything at once and not stop until I feel I have perfected the task at hand.

Then out of no where BAM!! In comes the the manic depressive side that says, you're not good enough, you don't need or deserve friends, you're a shitty person, you can't do anything right, look at you..and it's all down hill from there.

I often wonder if being alone with my thoughts is the best overall thing.

I know what makes me most unhappy and yet I am so unwilling to stick to a change that I just wallow in my own self pitty and let it eat me alive. I never used to be this bad. When did things just get so unattainable?

I know there's always a light at the end of every tunnel. I just hate having to ride the road that gets me to the light. Let's pray when I start the "change" again I don't break after just one week. I am my own worst enemy. I think everyone is there own worst enemy.