Thursday, January 21, 2010

About Love/Hate Relationships.

Have you ever used the term 'love/hate relationship'?


Have you ever used it and actually known the exact feeling?

I have.

I have never in my life hated anyone, maybe strongly disliked at best.

But the worst? LOVING the person you HATE more than anyone in this world.
How is it possible to LOVE and HATE the same person? It's complicated, but I hate Doug, just as much as I love him, I hate him all the time.

I hate every single time he lied to me and I took him back and forgave him because he promised to change. I hate every single time he up and left until the wee am hours with whoever doing whatever and never picking up his phone when I tried to call. I hate him for me having to beg for lunch money for our daughter and for for long sleeved school uniforms(which she still does not have in the dead of winter). Yep, how shitty do I feel that my kid has short sleeved polos and has to wear a cardigan over it EVERY day in addition to a heavy jacket. VERY.

I hate that he told me "Ethan doesn't need a winter coat it's not cold out"..
Are you kidding me? It's in the 20's now and it's freezing!! But yes, I finally got that out of him at least.

I hate that I was the good house wife of sorts and always stayed home, did ALL the domestic stuff, he never had to lift a finger, and I put up with the crap non stop.

I hate that while I was the plump betty crocker, maid, and full on nanny, WHO NEVER spent his money, he was pissing away money to the tune of over 6 thousand in 4 months.

I hate that he said he wanted to work things out but wouldn't even show me any of what it was spent on. Oh, sure, he showed me ONE month on a net statment, and when I tried to look at the last 6?

Well, funny you ask, he SHOVED me out of the computer chair and turned off the computer. What are you hiding?

He is with out a doubt the most dis honest person I have EVER met. I sit here and feel like I am all cried out. What else can I do? I am in shock, in total disbelief, and resentment.

I hate that I did everything right and he lied to me all the time.

People may see me as the 'bitch', and I don't deny I can be one, but man, people have NO idea what he has put me through and why I would bitch, lies, girls calling, all kinds of crap.

The think lately that irks me is I recall a day back after Ethan had his penile surgery, he said to me he couldn't help me with taking michelle to school, got all snotty on the phone and says "you want to know why we don't have money this is why".

Which looking back just enrages me, in the last 7 years we spent together I've always cut my own hair, never got my nails done, only bought new clothes a few times (usually before and afte ra pregnancy) and I never get to go out with friends. He's bought new shoes, xbox games galore etc etc.

To say I am hurt is an understatement.

I have felt like a single mom for so long with no help. He is such a sorry excuse for a human being. I wish people only knew the half of it.

I know I air my dirty laundry, but I don't think I've ever really fully aired how bad things were.

And why do I love someone who has treated me like shit?

Simple, I made a family with him. I laid down with him, I fell madly in love with him fresh out of high school and i believed every single word he said and held onto it like it were the gospel.

I hate him so much but I love him so much it kills me inside.

I think about our children and how much I love them, and I think about how things should have been. I think about how I gave up a great job and my education to be a mommy to our kids and how he has had every opportunity to advance his career bc I have been there where he never had to pay for a sitter or anything.

So I am bitter in the respect that I now had I been the working parent I would be so much further in my career than he is. I am bitter that everytime I tried to get a night job he wouldn't come home until after 7 or later and I'd get turned away b/c they all wanted me to start at 5..he gets off at why was he never home on time? :(

And me? I am a pathetic person who just took it all. Made up excuses so my friends wouldn't think he was a piece of shit and defended him when he lied to me.

It's not's not.

And..well, I know life isn't fair and so I only wonder what God has in store for me to have put me through challenge after challenge the last year. First Ethan's birth defect and 5 months of not knowing. Then the constant lies and infedelity Doug spewed out daily to me.

If you're listening, I hope there is a reason for this, I know they say crap happens to make you stronger, but to be honest, I am not sure I want to be stronger. I am not sure if I can take anymore hurt, I am just one person.


  1. Jen... You do what you gotta do.. If you do not leave it is because you love him and NO ONE else can tell you that you need to leave him.. They are not you anf they do not know your situation like you! If you EVER need a ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on or a face to smack (not really)... you can always call me. I have been there and I know a little bit about how you feel.. I can defintely relate.

  2. Thank you so much, Crystal. It means a lot to me. I know you went through similar crap with your ex and I know you'd probably be the best to get advice from. <3 Thank you for listening!