TGIF..what for?

I always get excited for Fridays, but I am really, honestly not sure why.

I mean, my day will be the same one way or another. My job is full time non stop, all the time, so what difference does it make if it's a Friday or a Monday? Maybe for a Friday I can sleep in an extra 20 minutes when ''butterfingers'' does with out getting up super early to get MiMi and myself ready for her school day.

Speaking of which, she has a field trip coming up next Friday, I am still debating whether I want to go or not. It all depends on if I can find someone to watch my little man for 4 hours. Good luck there, right?

He's growing too damn fast. It's hard to believe that he would actually only JUST be turning 9 months, (he came almost a month early) and he's so big.

I just adore him, he's such a sweet baby (when he's not fighting me for a nap):






Don't hate on the pink blocks, he gets a ton of hand me downs from his older sister. Besides, if anyone is that crazy about boys not having pink, I think I am more scared of them;)

Pink blocks..pink bottles..hey, we don't discriminate in this household, it has the same functionality as any other colored block. (although I will admit if I am out in public I do try to leave the pink bottle at home)..



On the 5th he'll have his late 9 month check up and vaccinations. I'll know then how big he has grown exactly.

I sold a few things off of CL and used it to buy lunch money for the next few weeks for MiMi and I bought a can of pale pink spray paint at wal mart..I will be making over her ceiling fan sometime tomorrow. (I hope).

spark people

I made one of my many resolutions (many, because I know I will break 80% of them) to lose weight.

(Yes, that photo of me is prior to Ethan).

Anyway, I have struggled with weight my ENTIRE life. I can only remember one time where I lost a massive amount of weight and that was in 2002, and I looked great for the first time in forever.

Then came kids, and depression, and unhealthy eating habits. And..
Well, this thing called excuses;)

I had joined spark people a year prior to Ethan and was doing okay with my weight, I had lost 25 lbs and people around me were starting to notice and comment. It felt so good, but then we had planned for Ethan and the rest was history.

So here I am AGAIN, on a mission to lose weight.

And, according to spark people, I have 50 to lose. YIKES. But, I knew full and well it had come down to that.

It's funny when people tend to think you can't have an addiction to food. And how people who have never been overweight can always mock those who are and tell them they are wrong and that they are just lazy. (True, sometimes I am). But for the most part for me, and what I came to realize was I did INDEED have an addiction to food. Some people have emotions they can't control and they turn to other addictions, sex, alcohol, pills, etc drugs. For me, it was food. I'd get upset, I'd love on a brownie.

I'd have no one to talk to? A piece of pizza was my best friend.

The irony behind it all was that the same thing I loved in my darkest hour, was the very reason I was so unhappy with myself.

Food addiction is a lose/lose situation. you need it to survive, you have to cook it for the kids and others, and so while others battling other addictions do not have to be around their addiction of choice, those of us with food issues DO.

So here I go again, battling the bulge but this time I am crossing my fingers that nothing gets in my way. I think emotion wise, I've hit rock bottom with all the chaos that surrounds me and I can't get any worse, so here I go, sticking to a diet.

It's not much but I'm down 10 lbs since Christmas already and that makes me feel tickled pink.

So, spark people...

50 to go?

Make that 40;)

Care to share your weight loss success stories?

About Love/Hate Relationships.

Have you ever used the term 'love/hate relationship'?

Probably.

Have you ever used it and actually known the exact feeling?

I have.

I have never in my life hated anyone, maybe strongly disliked at best.

But the worst? LOVING the person you HATE more than anyone in this world.
How is it possible to LOVE and HATE the same person? It's complicated, but I hate Doug, just as much as I love him, I hate him all the time.

I hate every single time he lied to me and I took him back and forgave him because he promised to change. I hate every single time he up and left until the wee am hours with whoever doing whatever and never picking up his phone when I tried to call. I hate him for me having to beg for lunch money for our daughter and for for long sleeved school uniforms(which she still does not have in the dead of winter). Yep, how shitty do I feel that my kid has short sleeved polos and has to wear a cardigan over it EVERY day in addition to a heavy jacket. VERY.

I hate that he told me "Ethan doesn't need a winter coat it's not cold out"..
Are you kidding me? It's in the 20's now and it's freezing!! But yes, I finally got that out of him at least.

I hate that I was the good house wife of sorts and always stayed home, did ALL the domestic stuff, he never had to lift a finger, and I put up with the crap non stop.

I hate that while I was the plump betty crocker, maid, and full on nanny, WHO NEVER spent his money, he was pissing away money to the tune of over 6 thousand in 4 months.

I hate that he said he wanted to work things out but wouldn't even show me any of what it was spent on. Oh, sure, he showed me ONE month on a net statment, and when I tried to look at the last 6?

Well, funny you ask, he SHOVED me out of the computer chair and turned off the computer. What are you hiding?

He is with out a doubt the most dis honest person I have EVER met. I sit here and feel like I am all cried out. What else can I do? I am in shock, in total disbelief, and resentment.

I hate that I did everything right and he lied to me all the time.

People may see me as the 'bitch', and I don't deny I can be one, but man, people have NO idea what he has put me through and why I would bitch, lies, girls calling, all kinds of crap.

The think lately that irks me is I recall a day back after Ethan had his penile surgery, he said to me he couldn't help me with taking michelle to school, got all snotty on the phone and says "you want to know why we don't have money this is why".

Which looking back just enrages me, in the last 7 years we spent together I've always cut my own hair, never got my nails done, only bought new clothes a few times (usually before and afte ra pregnancy) and I never get to go out with friends. He's bought new shoes, xbox games galore etc etc.

To say I am hurt is an understatement.

I have felt like a single mom for so long with no help. He is such a sorry excuse for a human being. I wish people only knew the half of it.

I know I air my dirty laundry, but I don't think I've ever really fully aired how bad things were.

And why do I love someone who has treated me like shit?

Simple, I made a family with him. I laid down with him, I fell madly in love with him fresh out of high school and i believed every single word he said and held onto it like it were the gospel.

I hate him so much but I love him so much it kills me inside.

I think about our children and how much I love them, and I think about how things should have been. I think about how I gave up a great job and my education to be a mommy to our kids and how he has had every opportunity to advance his career bc I have been there where he never had to pay for a sitter or anything.

So I am bitter in the respect that I now had I been the working parent I would be so much further in my career than he is. I am bitter that everytime I tried to get a night job he wouldn't come home until after 7 or later and I'd get turned away b/c they all wanted me to start at 5..he gets off at 5..so why was he never home on time? :(

And me? I am a pathetic person who just took it all. Made up excuses so my friends wouldn't think he was a piece of shit and defended him when he lied to me.

It's not fair..really..it's not.

And..well, I know life isn't fair and so I only wonder what God has in store for me to have put me through challenge after challenge the last year. First Ethan's birth defect and 5 months of not knowing. Then the constant lies and infedelity Doug spewed out daily to me.

If you're listening, I hope there is a reason for this, I know they say crap happens to make you stronger, but to be honest, I am not sure I want to be stronger. I am not sure if I can take anymore hurt, I am just one person.

Things that randomly suck..

Ready? Let's go..

* I have a giant canker sore on the underside of my lip from where the dentis used a metal retractor to pull my lip back. It's HUGE, it's ugly, it burns, and looks like someone gave me the herps..(thankfully my dentist assured me it was not the herps but indeed a big old canker sore). I have never had one and they HURT!!

* My socket is disgusting. No matter how much I clean it (constanlty) it's just gross, the blood clot or whatever is foul (tmi). I will be SO glad once it heals. Thankfully Sabrina gave me her prescription strength mouth wash. Until this thing heals I am cursed with the most disgusting breath. AND I SWEAR to hell I brush and floss 3 x a day and rinse w/ this salt water CONSTANTLY. GROSS:( and EW!

* I have come to realize that my friends where right all along. The guy and I will NOT work. He constantly lies to me. He has like pathelogical liar-itis. (yes, I am aware it is not even a word). After he pissed 5 k on the credit card on random crap, I am done. That and when I asked to see what he bought he showed me one month worth on line, when I clicked to see the last 6 months, this bitch SERIOUSLY shoved me out of the chair so I couldn't see. Just..WOW.. Yeah, I am not the hot or thin but i deserve better. More importanlty OUR children deserve a better home life.

* I pray to GOD I find a 3rd shift job. DEAR GOD, please hear me, I reaaaaaaaaally need you right now, it has been a bad last year for me and it continues to get less hopeful, but I am holding out that this all has a purpose. Please hear me, and please help me help myself.

So there's my vents of the week. As you may or may not be able to tell, it's been shoddy. I have a headache from crying so hard. Good night beauties!

7 week old photo shoot || Fayetteville, NC

I got to see Sabrina today (yaaay)!! And I took pictures of her new baby (Elise). She is sooo beautiful. She looks perfect in the tutu I made her:) Here are just a few for sharing:) (I did these in her house, with natural light through the window) b/c i DETEST over contrasted photos for portraiture.
























There are more but I don't want to go through and water mark them all:)
Shoots like this are only 50 bucks, up to 70 photos PLUS CD. (No outrageous print mark ups!) :)

Super Puffy tutu for drawing winner.

Here is one of the tutu's I made for my tutu drawing on babycenter. I plan to do one over here (if I ever get any subscribers) hehe.

This one is with pale pink and blue tulle, I used 75 yards and it came out super puffy. It works for size 12 months right on up to size 5 (girls) b/c of the elastic band.

I love it and just hope my little guy never has to see that I used him to model it (haha, what?) Sometimes a photo of a tutu just doesn't do it justice unless it's on a baby:)

So here we go, I will do a tutu drawing here also, once my subscriber list hits 80.

So, subscribe, leave a comment and as soon as my list hits 80 I will use the randomizer to pick one winner at random:) Good luck:D

Happy New Year!

It's hard for me to believe 2009 is over, but in way I am kind of glad it's come to an end. It was the best of times (having Ethan, watching MiMi start pre k, all the little things in between). And the absolute worst of times, which I really don't feel like going into.

I always make new years resolutions and with the exception of one year I actually kept my resolution. (haha, pathetic, right?!)

So this year I have a few resolutions;

There's the ever popular resolution to lose weight (but I've already started and only pray I can keep up, I am sick of depression eating).

To finish at FTCC (provided I get a grant, there is no other way I can afford it).

And push myself to do things I don't think I will really like, just for the sake of saying, I DID IT!

Then there is the same one I always make, to stop letting people use me for things and walk all over me to get things (I never keep this one, because I think for the most part I am so excited to have company on any given day that I don't care that people are fake)..Well, that's pretty much over with. If I wasn't good enough for you last year, than don't expect me to come around this year.

Believe it or not all of these mini resolutions have a lot to do with my children. They will always come first. I want to be healthier for myself and for them.

I want to finish school so that I wont have to worry about finances, I want to be self sufficient and not rely on my old line of work (real estate assistant). Not that it's a bad line of work, but it's not really top dollar at all.

Right now I am in such a foul mood, but I promised not to get into all of that so I wont. I do however hope all of you have a wonderful 2010 and make the most of it.

And wish me luck w/ my resolutions, GOD knows I'll need it! LOL