Trying to breath in a room with no air..

If you know me well enough, you probably know about my relationship drama as of late (something I really don't put too much thought into on this blog).

Anddd, you probably know how I have been trying to move forward. Only maybe you don't know that my 'moving forward' is more like, I don't want to deal with my emotions and the pain of all the dishonesty and so I just shove it in the far back of my mind and pretend it never happened, but every so often I'll be alone, or have down time and it comes back up and I retrace every instant, every lie I was told and ever scenario possible to try and get answers or make sense of things, and it kills me that I will never know it all.

I like control in my life, I don't like being left in the dark room. I like the lights on with full front and center vision and audio. I like to be in the know. So now being in a part in my life where I am left confused and disheveled makes me well, 'mental'. No other way to put it, just plain and simple; mental.

So last night after I had another cry fest and heard more apologies (which I appreciate, in all honesty, as mad and upset as I am an apology in any form is better than the "nothing" and the "I don't care attitude".

That and he let me tell him exactly why everything upsets me, exactly why I am mad. I am mad that anytime I ever got money for anything it was taken away from me, I am mad that I never had access to any bank info or other info. I am mad that I was lied to for so long about the credit card balance. I was mad that I still don't know to this day what the money was spent on. I am mad about the girls, I am mad about the lies, I am mad about the infedelity, I am mad about it all.

I am mad that when I stayed up for nights on end since Ethan was born searching his condition and fighting with his doctor for answers and calling every pediatric urologist in this place, no one would give me the time of day, I was mad that I went at the stressed of our little boys condition ALONE and that I cried about it non stop and that when I finally DID get UNC's urology department to call me back, it was the first time in months I felt a sense of relief.

I am mad that all the while I did this alone and did everything with the kids alone he was going behind my back doing things that would eventually rip me apart even more when I found out.

I am mad that rather than being honest I had to learn on my own or through his trusted peers. I am mad that I believed and was trusting and I had every reason to be paranoid.

I am SAD. More than I am mad, I am SAD. I am sad that I did everything right and put up with it. I am sad that I will never trust him again. I am sad that we built a beautiful family together and I had false hopes and idealizations about things and and I keep thinking of a stupid msn article about how 1 in 3 relationships end in divorce.

I am sad that I thought I knew what things would be like if it were to that point.

And finally? I am sad that no matter what, once again, I will never have the answers I need to help me move forward and get over this huge novel in just a series of novels that my life could contain.

And last night?

Last night I took my tylenol pm to help me sedate myself and sleep a good nights sleep.

And last night?

Last night, while i slept I dreamt of a beautiful beach, I dreamt the sun was shining on my face and I felt warm and alive, and stress free.

And last night?

Last night while I dreamt I went to go inside the hotel I was staying at on the beach, I dreamt that I looked out of the window just to see the ocean rise so high that it swallowed the entire building.

And last night?

Last night as I was dreaming, I KNEW it was a dream and I remember in my dream saying "It's not real" but knowing how helpless I felt in that dream state as the ocean engulfed the building and I stared at the ceiling hearing the uproarous water trickle down everything and thinking to myself, "please God, don't let the ceiling cave in, this is now how I want things to end".

And last night?

Last night I am not really sure how my dream ended, just that I woke up and felt a sense of calm.

I later looked up the dream interpretation for tsunamis, which read:
"Tsunami

To see a tsunami in your dream, represents that you are being overwhelmed by some repressed feelings or unconscious material that is rising up to the surface. You are experiencing some unhappiness and emotional instability in some waking situation."

Who would have thought? I have had a lot of dreams come true or some what true, and it totally makes sense that we dream things that reflect our subconcious. This one, I'd have to say, is right on the money.

As of late..

I am at loss for words about what's been going on as of late, instead I'll just share some photos, because a ton has been going on and I really don't wish to bore anyone:)

First, it snowed..enough so, infact, that mimi could make her very first snow man:


ooh mr. snow man was a cutie pa-toot w/ his little spiraled orange potpourie (spell??) nose :



Then Valentine's day reared it's ugly head, but I wasn't forgotten, oh no. A year ago today I saw Ethan on 4d ultrasound for the first time, I was in love, this year I got tulips and m.kay lotions:







Ever find that you don't have a vase?

Me too. Nothing a cleaned out starbucks frap bottle can't fix:



The kids were cute too for Valentine's:



Bubby wasn't too sure what to think of it all:



But yes, Bubby desperatley needs his first haircut, it shall be done SOON!

And then today MiMi wanted to just take a couple pictures with her new headband, so be it:











That about sums up some of the week :)

The kid's birthday outfits..

Today I went to children's place in the mall b/c I had a 15% off entire purchase coupon, I knew exactly what I wanted for MiMi, I think black and white is timeless and classic and so I went with this dress, and in person is sooo gorgeous! I made mimi try it on and she said she felt like a princess lol! it was 39 bucks but whatever I WANTED IT and she loved it:

Then I got these shoes for right under 20:


and then you know i had to get a headband b/c those were only 2 for 5:

her total was like 58 for everything.

Then I went with the majority vote on what everyone said and got Ethan the old navy outfit w/ the light blue plaid bermuda's and white collared oxford shirt.

They are not taking photos together so I figured i didn't have to worry about my kids matching. But I can tell you the day after the snow (that already melted) haha..yeah the roads are ridiculous, maybe all those last minute Valentine shoppes..whatever the reason, I am staying home the rest of the day.

Holy flooded crawlspace..

I guess I should have taken a picture to really show the ridiculous amounts of water that our crawlspace had. It was BAD, not just a little bit but FULL OUT FLOODING!

It started with terminix coming to do their quarterly inspection (I hate them, they are always late to our home, or they show up HOURS before they were scheduled to show up). Usually the technician that comes does a shoddy job. I have caught one spray one window and leave my home before, imagine the shock when I called to report they hadn't done the job as they were supposed to do and I was home the entire time waiting to see if they were going to do the job or not! Another time they were cheap and told us they ran out of spray..uhm, WHAT?!

To be fair for every crappy technician we have had we have also had a super one. So I am still waiting on the good one to come along, because today's tech was just plain HORRIBLE.

But, he did alert us that he couldn't get in our crawl to inspect because of water. I thought oh gee, guy come one, are you afraid of a little water?

Later on I saw oh no, it was bad! First of all the crawlspace well (the dip in the ground that literally looks like a boxed well where the crawlspace door is was POOLED with water). I thought DANG it rained but was it THAT bad?

Doug was shoveling it out by the bucket load, an hour later after that we open the door to see a good 8 inches of standing water. OH HELL.

It as BAD. I immediately thought, OKAY, there must be a leak? right? so I tested the toilet, it was a few drips per flush (I guess we need YET AGAIN, ANOTHER seal) Then I tested the tub..nope..nothing.

What in the world?

In the meanwhile we are borrowing a sump pump to drain out all the water (frowns).

So upon my internet googling, I have learned others have the same issue in older homes with crawlspace wells; the water gets in after a few days of heavy rain.

Well hello, now I know why I see a couple termites a year out there but *knock on wood* they have yet to actually manifest themselves in our structure. MOISTURE IS EVIL to crawlspaces!

So that being said, we just may be on the hunt to find one of those fancy dance crawlspace encapsulation systems.

Just gosh, I remember a while back I had gotten a quote online and it was 6 thousand.

SIX FREAKING THOUSAND!

Oh is home ownership ever so costly.

But sadly, I think it will be worth every dime.

Sadly, I will never see a return on that investment if we sell.

Such is life. AT LEAST it isn't a plumbing issue. (that we know of).

I hate this old house, but i love it.

65 rancher, you have nickel and dimed us but you are still our home.

A creepy craigs list tale (worth blogging)

Generally speaking, we are always paycheck/paycheck living. I mean our bills get paid, sometimes they are a little behind, but never the less, we don't have much room in terms of extra cash.

I have been trying to find our son a decent used dresser that I could purchase for cheap and fix up myself with the help of a sander and some paint..

I admit I have browsed craigs list daily in search of said item, and usually I get no response when messaging a person, or they tell me it's already sold (drats, just my luck!) hehe.

So earlier I was once again browsing the craigs list furniture section for my local city and saw the title said something along the lines of "flea infested couch". I thought to myself, what in the hell? Who is selling a flea infested couch and DAMN they are BRUTALLY honest.

When I opened it up I found the story was actually opposite and cringed:

http://fayetteville.craigslist.org/fuo/1585022945.html
Flea infested CL couches

::SHIVERS::

We have had fleas before, and I know first hand they are ANNOYING to get rid of! I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, so reading that post really made my skin crawl. But it also made me think, how many people do this? Have a bug problem and sell their bug infested furniture?

I have to admit after reading that I don't think I will EVER purchase fabric furniture from ANYONE I DO NOT KNOW. I almost want to sent the couple an email of sympathy.

I think in short, I am done browsing craigs list for the day.

Krylon Spray Paint, Ceiling Fan Revamp:D

I am a fan of rustoleum products, but I have to say when I went into wal mart last week and saw this color on the Krylon brand spray paints shelf, i LOVED it! Krylon makes a cute duo that looks good together; Krylon, ballet slipper (a pale pink), and Krylon celery (a pale green).

Krylon, I love you!! haha!!

With MiMi's room being re done in a shabby chic, cottagey pale green and pink theme, I had to snag the Krylon, ballet slipper pink and I knew JUST what I wanted to do with it:) MAKE THAT UGLY OLD BRASS CEILING FAN PRETTY AGAIN!
Here's the before and after side by side:


So let's take a look at the process...Before..


First, disassemble and clean the parts you wish to spray paint with the Krylon:


Make sure you spray evenly and allow time to dry between coats so it doesn't clump and streak:




Three coats later and I had this beauty (mind you I am on a low/no budget on my make overs so this really did the trick!):






Wouldn't you agree that it's the perfect shade of pale pink? My daughter is just SMITTEN with it!! Gotta love Krylon! (pssst, Krylon, send me some coupons or free spray paint, I have TONS to make over - I wish hehe). ;)

Baby's First Snow (photo overload).

I really didn't want to believe the weatherman yesterday when he said it would snow.

I still didn't want to believe it even when they had student's leave two hours early in preparation for the snow.

After all, the last time we were promised snowfall and the county delayed school, there was nothing, not even a wince of it.

So here today I wake up to find a bit of snow, along with sleet and ice. WOOHOO!

Since my parents kept MiMi overnight they also were kind enough to drop her off this morning.

I'd say for the first time seeing snow, bubby monster was all too thrilled, he ate it, he fell in it - then couldn't get back up, he even had so much fun he passed out eating his bottle in his walker afterwards.

I love the snow, and we needed this.

It's always nice to have a little bit of pretty in this town:)