Friday, February 19, 2010

Trying to breath in a room with no air..

If you know me well enough, you probably know about my relationship drama as of late (something I really don't put too much thought into on this blog).

Anddd, you probably know how I have been trying to move forward. Only maybe you don't know that my 'moving forward' is more like, I don't want to deal with my emotions and the pain of all the dishonesty and so I just shove it in the far back of my mind and pretend it never happened, but every so often I'll be alone, or have down time and it comes back up and I retrace every instant, every lie I was told and ever scenario possible to try and get answers or make sense of things, and it kills me that I will never know it all.

I like control in my life, I don't like being left in the dark room. I like the lights on with full front and center vision and audio. I like to be in the know. So now being in a part in my life where I am left confused and disheveled makes me well, 'mental'. No other way to put it, just plain and simple; mental.

So last night after I had another cry fest and heard more apologies (which I appreciate, in all honesty, as mad and upset as I am an apology in any form is better than the "nothing" and the "I don't care attitude".

That and he let me tell him exactly why everything upsets me, exactly why I am mad. I am mad that anytime I ever got money for anything it was taken away from me, I am mad that I never had access to any bank info or other info. I am mad that I was lied to for so long about the credit card balance. I was mad that I still don't know to this day what the money was spent on. I am mad about the girls, I am mad about the lies, I am mad about the infedelity, I am mad about it all.

I am mad that when I stayed up for nights on end since Ethan was born searching his condition and fighting with his doctor for answers and calling every pediatric urologist in this place, no one would give me the time of day, I was mad that I went at the stressed of our little boys condition ALONE and that I cried about it non stop and that when I finally DID get UNC's urology department to call me back, it was the first time in months I felt a sense of relief.

I am mad that all the while I did this alone and did everything with the kids alone he was going behind my back doing things that would eventually rip me apart even more when I found out.

I am mad that rather than being honest I had to learn on my own or through his trusted peers. I am mad that I believed and was trusting and I had every reason to be paranoid.

I am SAD. More than I am mad, I am SAD. I am sad that I did everything right and put up with it. I am sad that I will never trust him again. I am sad that we built a beautiful family together and I had false hopes and idealizations about things and and I keep thinking of a stupid msn article about how 1 in 3 relationships end in divorce.

I am sad that I thought I knew what things would be like if it were to that point.

And finally? I am sad that no matter what, once again, I will never have the answers I need to help me move forward and get over this huge novel in just a series of novels that my life could contain.

And last night?

Last night I took my tylenol pm to help me sedate myself and sleep a good nights sleep.

And last night?

Last night, while i slept I dreamt of a beautiful beach, I dreamt the sun was shining on my face and I felt warm and alive, and stress free.

And last night?

Last night while I dreamt I went to go inside the hotel I was staying at on the beach, I dreamt that I looked out of the window just to see the ocean rise so high that it swallowed the entire building.

And last night?

Last night as I was dreaming, I KNEW it was a dream and I remember in my dream saying "It's not real" but knowing how helpless I felt in that dream state as the ocean engulfed the building and I stared at the ceiling hearing the uproarous water trickle down everything and thinking to myself, "please God, don't let the ceiling cave in, this is now how I want things to end".

And last night?

Last night I am not really sure how my dream ended, just that I woke up and felt a sense of calm.

I later looked up the dream interpretation for tsunamis, which read:

To see a tsunami in your dream, represents that you are being overwhelmed by some repressed feelings or unconscious material that is rising up to the surface. You are experiencing some unhappiness and emotional instability in some waking situation."

Who would have thought? I have had a lot of dreams come true or some what true, and it totally makes sense that we dream things that reflect our subconcious. This one, I'd have to say, is right on the money.

1 comment:

  1. Life can really be so suffocating. I don't know you guys or your exact positions, but I know how it feels to feel like you are on your own against the world. I hope things get better soon.