Saturday, March 5, 2011

6 already??

My daughter will be 6 on March 10th. It's bittersweet. I love watching her grow and I love that I have been able to be there non stop except for the one break I had when I went to see my neice be born this past July.

I remember the uncertainty that came with an unplanned pregnancy. I remember the shock. I remember how, even though I was 21, I was still afraid to tell my own parents. In my heart I knew I was pregnant right away, but I was in denial. I'd go to work and do my job and I even went to New Jersey to visit family for the 4th of July, thinking "I am so tired, I wonder if I am pregnant"?

Before I officially knew, my sister, her ex boyfriend and I walked all over New York for MILES and MILES on end. It was beautiful. I remember going to Seaside Heights and the board walk. I remember I even got hit on. All the while I was pregnant, but not certain.

It wasn't until I came back from Jersey that I took a test. I didn't know what to feel, it was a hard time. I went through every possible emotion. Yes, EVERY SINGLE ONE.

Eventually Doug was the first person I told and he was very supportive. It was a long and hard pregnancy with MiMi. I was throwing up all the time, right on into the 26 week mark. I wondered sometimes if I would ever stop being sick. I had a whole barrage of health issues as well, Pre Eclampsia being one of them. I blew up HUGE in the end (I've never been my old size since).

I was let go from my job with no real reason, and I knew inside it was because the office broker in charge at the time had her reservations about me being an unwed mother. She made it clear from the get go with her snarky comments.

Some how I survived it all, and went into be induced on March 9th, my sister's birthday. It was a very long induction and a very long and painful back labor that no amount of epidural helped. It was hard. VERY HARD. Eventually after a near full day of laboring, and MiMi's heart rate plummeting and the doctor's realizing she was stuck at her shoulders, I was rushed for a c section. She came out. Alive, crying, but I dont' remember seeing her because they quickly knocked me out.

My first c section was the most painful thing in the whole world. How Ethan's was a slice of cake, i will NEVER know. MiMi's was horrible. I am going to guess because I labored so long first.

The first time I seen MiMi was sometime after recovery, they wheeled her to me. She was so beautiful. She had a button nose, chubby cheeks, blue eyes and she was cooing. It's funny how the thing I remember most about MiMi was her cooing. I was so in love with this little girl that I had been waiting to meet since I first found out I was pregnant. She was so special and important to me.

We didn't have a lot of things because we were starting out, we had just bought our home, but MiMi was so very loved by everyone. It's hard to believe my little miracle baby is going to be 6 now. SIX YEARS. I started Motherhood very young, and this year I will be 29 and have my first signs of crows feet :) Something I never noticed is that you start the journey young and when it's all over you are an old woman. Right now I am stuck somewhere between and it doesn't even matter.

Some people search there whole lives for meaning and purpose. I do daily, but one thing I have that I will never take granted of is my children, my MiMi has changed me into the best person I could possibly be. Through her I have learned so much about myself and changed so much to be the mom she needs me to be.

I love you MiMi! Happy ALMOST 6th Birthday, princess!!

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